My Dear Melancholy,
The Weeknd Aants You To Be Sad Faster Than You’ve Ever Been Sad
The Weeknd is like the Harriet Tubman of OVO. After helping create a new sound and my favorite Drake album “Take Care”, he realized that he was worth more than a potential owl tattoo and a pat on the back from Drake. Through his own cunning and sheer determination, he escaped the OVO sweatshop with the overseer known as Drake and lived to tell the tale. He tried to take PartyNextDoor and DVSN with him, but they didn’t know they were slaves to OVO. He ran off on Drake and built a career all his own with nothing besides cocaine and heartbreak. You can tell that I Love Makonnen thought he would make the same moves but unfortunately, he watched his biggest single become another one of Drake’s. The Weeknd climbed out of the prison like Bruce Wayne in Rises and immediately got to work. Abel is one of the few artists who can announce music and completely shift everyone's mood. He’s like a summer thunderstorm when you’re at Six Flags, all you can do is stop and wait for him to pass before you walk through a much damper world. The Weeknd really is just like a storm except instead of Thunder strikes you hear strange yodeling. The minute you start press play on a Weeknd song things just get Dark and stay there; he's like the Winter Solstice. He’s comparable to the Night King from Game Of Thrones if instead of killing the living to create skeleton monsters, he just made you want to do drugs and have unprotected sex with strangers who take their Instagram photos exclusively with the X-Pro II filter. It goes without saying that people LOVE The Weeknd the way they love their antidepressants. I never got into him because I was well adjusted and was going through a legendary dry spell, so I had no chance to have depressing sex. However, I’ve since caught up and lived a semi sad couple of years, so when I saw that he had a tape literally called “My Dear Melancholy” coming out, I was ready to prepare myself for the pain. I put on a faded black hoodie on over a slightly less faded black tee and a new dad hat (the saddest outfit) and pressed play.
The Weeknd makes every day into SadderDay
I gotta say, I hate everything about the Twilight but the smartest thing those series ever did was attach The Weeknd to their Soundtrack. The movies are dumb and full of unnecessary sexual tension, but Abel is incredible at making music for sad horny Vampires. Every song is basically him saying "I've been dead for hundreds of years and the only thing that can kill me (besides a stake to the chest, holy water, the sun or garlic for some reason) is heartbreak". Whenever I hear his music, I get the urge to name my first child Damien. This is the shit Angel listened to when he caught himself falling in love with Buffy. Actually wait, how did no one ever think about how weird it was that these Vampires are 100s of years old, but they date CURRENT teenagers? I don’t care how old they look, if homie lived through the great depression he shouldn’t be fawning over a teenage girl. But I digress, The Weeknd was damn near made to make music for people who like to drink Blood. If you like your Bloody Marys with Hemoglobin, definitely check this out.
This is music to have a sad drive to
“My Dear Melancholy” is 22 minutes long and it feels like watching a Sunset as the Moon Rises. This EP would be fantastic for a Blackout Curtain Ad Campaign, after one listen, I never want to see the Sun again, like Albinos or people who wear transition lenses. This is the music for the people who post pitch black pictures with vague quotes in their Instagram Story. It's emotional, but not as deep as people want to make it seem. That brings me to my problem with this EP, I don't like that "emotional" music is always something sad. As people we have the ability and privilege to feel several different emotions at any given time. It’s the one thing that all of us share around the world, doesn’t matter what language you speak or color your skin is, we all know what disappointment, horniness and disdain feel like, hopefully we don’t know what all three of those things feel like at once. There are a ton of different emotions out there, but it comes across like The Weeknd can only feel Remorse, Regret and Cocaine. I completely understand that his fanbase wants to be sad and melancholy as life does kind of suck, but there's so much more out there. Plus, Abel is a god damn MILLIONAIRE. I know, I know “money doesn’t buy happiness” but fuck you, Money definitely puts you in the direction for happiness. Sure, wealth won’t make you happy, but wealth will give you the ability to buy a jet ski and the proper insurance to operate one comfortably. Listening to The Weeknd sing about being Sad is like watching Will Smith give advice on Pursuing your dreams. It's very much appreciated but you guys don't got student loans, tell me about something else for a little while. You haven’t been in my shoes for a very long time, let’s not pretend that you fully know my experience. I will admit though, it would be pretty difficult for The Weeknd to sing about positive emotions, it's hard to be happy when you sound like you just got stabbed by Buffy The Vampire Slayer and you’re slowly turning into ash. Hearing The Weeknd be happy seems really uncomfortable, like trying to doze off in an active massage chair. Over all “My Dear Melancholy” is a cool little tape, it’s about the length of a late-night Uber ride after having mediocre sex with an Ex who clearly doesn’t love you. It's cool, but it's not for me, well at least not yet. I give My Dear Melancholy 6 Deleted "I Miss You" Texts out of 10.